


Baby Love!

by vanillalime



Category: Oz (TV)
Genre: Crack, Humor, Lyric Wheel, M/M, Mpreg, Songfic, Timeline What Timeline, Weirdness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-22
Updated: 2017-03-22
Packaged: 2018-10-09 09:31:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10409127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vanillalime/pseuds/vanillalime
Summary: Oz's aging pill experiment goes horribly wrong, and instead of aging the prisoners, it enables them to get pregnant.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted to LiveJournal in April 2016. Written for the Oz Lyric Wheel challenge. 
> 
> Songfic based on the song "Having My Baby" by Paul Anka. Lyrics posted in the endnotes.

Dr. Gloria Nathan took a deep breath and looked up from her clipboard. She studied the group of prisoners before her, lined up in two straight rows like good little soldiers. She felt like an army general, preparing to send them off into battle. She vaguely wondered if any of them would come back alive.

Gloria shook her head. _Oh, well,_ she thought. _That's for the Wygert Corporation to worry about._

She smiled and returned her attention to the inmates. "Now, as you know, some dangerous side effects have been associated with the use of this drug," she warned them. "Several lab rats developed heart problems or tumors, and a few of them died. So I want you to inform me immediately if you notice any disturbing physical changes to your body."

The inmates all stared blankly back at her. Gloria paused to clear her throat, then added, "The research scientists also observed other, less serious, side effects." She tapped her clipboard in a nervous attempt to appear professional. "For example, some of the animals experienced a pronounced increase in their libido. So you, uh, might want to prepare yourself for the possibility of that, as well."

In one swift motion, every inmate turned his head to look in the direction of Chris Keller, standing at the very end of the grouping alongside Tobias Beecher.

"Hot damn!" exclaimed Jaz Hoyt in excitement. "Sounds to me like The Beecher/Keller Show just got a full season pick-up!"

A slow, sly grin spread over Chris’s face. Looking very pleased with himself, he folded his arms across his chest, flexing his muscles in the process. Meanwhile, Toby quickly looked down at the little paper cup that contained his pill, his mane of golden-red curls hiding the blush that crept over his face.

"Thank God," grumbled Timmy Kirk. "Lately, the show’s been nothing but reruns. Just how many times can a guy give the same blowjob over and over again?"

Amazingly, none of the other prisoners responded to Kirk’s rhetorical question, as the irony sailed over their heads completely.

"Actually, this is great timing," remarked Vern. "I’m in the market for a new prag, and this will be just the kick-start I need to pick someone."

"Yeah, you really need a new prag," parroted Robson with a nod of his head, oblivious to Vern’s sudden intense gaze in his direction.

"Well, lemme tell you, this libido thing… that’s gonna be a big problem for me," Ryan O’Reily proclaimed loudly. "Because I ain’t no fag, ya know."

In unison, the prisoners all responded, "WE KNOW."

The lone exception was Miguel Alvarez, who stood silently in place. Ryan pretended not to notice Miguel’s sad, soulful eyes staring at him questioningly.

"Well, if everyone is still willing to proceed, now is the time to take your pill," Gloria announced. Without hesitation, each prisoner swallowed his pill. Then some of them immediately grabbed their crotches and pulled.

Gloria rolled her eyes. "If you experience an increase in your libido, it won’t happen instantaneously. Besides, as you know, Oz has strict rules regarding sexual conduct. If you feel an overwhelming need to relieve yourself, please do so privately."

The prisoners laughed at Gloria’s joke, gradually stopping as they realized that she was serious.

Gloria dismissed them, and the group slowly broke up as the inmates began to head back to Em City.

Busmalis turned to Rebadow and quietly asked, "Hey, Bob, what exactly is a libido, anyway?"

Rebadow smiled and said, "It’s a new kind of dance, Agamemnon."

"Oh, what fun!" Busmalis exclaimed enthusiastically. "I’m a great dancer."

"That's good to know, honey," purred Fiona as she walked by. "I’ll dance with you any time, any place."

Busmalis smiled and nodded at her, then doubled over in pain as Hoyt kicked him hard in the shin.

"What’d you do that for?" Busmalis asked in between cries.

Hoyt glared at him. "Fiona doesn’t need a new dance partner."

During the confusion, Toby took the opportunity to softly ask Rebadow, "Does everyone really watch me and Keller when we’re together at night?"

"No, of course not," replied Rebadow with a chuckle. Toby began to sigh in relief, until Rebadow elaborated, "Most people just listen in. The only views are from Pods 4, 6, 9a, and 9b. Oh, and Pod 12, but you have to stand on a chair in the front-left corner of the room."

Toby gaped at him in alarm, so Rebadow patted his arm. "Consider it an honor," he said. "You’re more popular than Miss Sally ever was."

Chris joined their conversation, draping his arm across Toby’s shoulders. "So does that make me Nooter?" he smirked. "Or Pecky?"

"From what I’ve heard, you’re both," Rebadow answered. He flashed a grin of his own as he walked away.

Chris furrowed his brow. "What the fuck does that even mean?"

Toby shook his head. "I don’t know, and I don’t care." He leaned back into Chris’s touch and whispered seductively, "All that matters to me is that you know how to play _Up Your Ante."_

*~* one week later *~*

"Jesus Christ, I can’t believe this place," bitched Claire as she sat herself down in a chair at the control station. "For the last week, it’s been like a fucking bordello in here. It's ridiculous that we’re supposed to just turn the other cheek while these ding-dongs screw away."

Murphy shrugged. "It’s easier to deal with them when they’re fucking than when they’re fighting," he countered. "Besides, it’s not exactly their fault—it’s those damn pills they’re all taking."

Claire absentmindedly played with her nightstick. "Yeah, but the whole thing is makin’ me hornier than hell."

Murphy fixed a look at her. "Claire… "

"Tell me, Murph. You got any plans after your shift?"

"Yeah, me and Tim are goin' back to my place. We’re gonna order some food and watch the ball game."

"You’d be surprised by what I know about ball games," Claire leered. "You wanna make it a threesome?"

Murphy stared at her. "I don’t think so," he replied emphatically. "No offense, but what we’ve got planned is more of a guy thing."

Claire laughed as she stood back up. "That’s exactly what I thought," she said before turning her back and walking away.

*~* two months later *~*

Toby slowly lifted his head up from the toilet. Chris methodically handed him a damp washcloth, and Toby wiped his face and mouth. Toby smiled weakly as Chris helped him back up on his feet.

"Thanks, I feel better now."

"This is ridiculous, Tobe," Chris muttered. "You’ve been throwin' up every morning for a couple of weeks now. You know that Dr. Nathan told us to come see her if we’re experiencing any weird side effects. I’m pretty sure this qualifies."

"I've heard that some other people have been sick, too. I think it’s just the flu."

"Really? Then how come you aren't sick the rest of the day?"

Toby didn’t have an answer for that.

"There are other things, too," Chris continued. "Do you realize that you got up to take a piss four different times last night?"

Toby looked at his feet. "I’ve probably been drinking too much water before I go to bed."

"Not that much," said Chris with a shake of his head. "And don’t even get me started on that gas problem of yours…"

"Okay, okay," huffed Toby. He held up his hands in defeat. "I’ll go see Dr. Nathan."

"And I’m coming with you," Chris announced.

"The guards will never allow that," argued Toby.

Chris smiled. "I’ll work my charms on 'em. I’m coming, and that’s that."

Chris gently led Toby toward the door of their pod, thankful that he hadn't needed to mention Toby's mood swings. He kept his face hidden as his smile faded into a genuine look of concern.

After arriving at the medical ward, Toby quickly explained his symptoms to Dr. Nathan.

Gloria nodded her head sympathetically. "It’s probably just the flu. I’ve heard there’s something going around."

Toby gave Chris a pointed look.

"But I’ll check you out anyway," Gloria said with a wave of her hand. She directed Toby to an examination table while Chris sat down in a nearby chair. As Chris looked on, Gloria took Toby’s temperature, looked down his throat, and checked his glands. She listened to his heart and lungs, poked and prodded his stomach, and placed her stethoscope over his abdomen.

Then she froze in place, and the color drained from her face.

Chris noticed the change in her demeanor. "What’s wrong?" he asked.

Gloria moved the stethoscope around. "I, uh… I hear a heartbeat," she stammered.

"Well, that’s good," Toby snarked. "Otherwise, I’d be dead."

"No, no," cried Gloria. "I hear a _second_ heartbeat."

Toby and Chris both stared at her in confusion.

Gloria rushed to grab a machine from the corner of the room. She hurriedly pushed it toward the table, adjusted some dials, and turned on the monitor. She held up a probe-like object and squirted a dab of lubricant on Toby’s belly.

"This is an ultrasound machine," she explained breathlessly. "It will give us a better idea of what’s going on."

Gloria placed the probe on Toby’s abdomen. As she slowly moved it around, she studied the image that appeared on the monitor.

"Oh. My. God."

Toby quickly propped himself up, while Chris jumped to his feet. "What?" they asked together.

Gloria held up a shaking hand and pointed at the screen. "You see that? THAT is a human embryo."

Toby and Chris just stared at the monitor in silence, not quite comprehending the doctor’s words. They watched the image on the screen as it moved around until, suddenly, Chris realized what it all meant.

"I don’t fuckin’ believe it, Tobe!" he exclaimed. A huge grin spread over his face, and he shouted, _"You’re havin’ my baby!"_

Unfortunately, Toby was unable to respond, having fainted from shock.

*~* the following morning *~*

Warden Leo Glynn closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead for a full minute, praying that this was all a bad dream. But when he opened his eyes, nothing had changed. Everyone was still there, staring at him, as though they expected him to have all the answers to this mess. None of them seemed to realize that this type of situation wasn't exactly covered in the training manual.

Leo fleetingly wondered, not for the first time, if he could get a refund on his copy of _Running a Maximum-Security Prison for Dummies._

"So, how many total?" he finally asked with a weary sigh.

"Four," answered Gloria anxiously. "First there was Tobias Beecher, who has identified Chris Keller as the father of his baby."

Tim McManus rolled his eyes. "Like that's supposed to be some big revelation," he remarked sarcastically.

"James Robson came in next. And he's confirmed that Vern Schillinger is the father of his."

"Serves him right," muttered Murphy under his breath. Leo smiled weakly.

Gloria continued unabated. "After Robson's diagnosis, we decided to test all the participants from the experiment. That's when we discovered that Fiona Zonioni was pregnant as well."

Leo nodded his head. "At least that one makes sense. Well, more sense, anyway. Who's the father of her baby?"

Gloria cleared her throat. "It took a bit of prodding, but apparently it's Jaz Hoyt."

"The biker?" responded Leo with interest. At least now he was getting some good gossip. He leaned forward slightly. "Is that so?"

Claire tilted her head to the side. "I can see it."

"And, finally," Gloria took a deep breath. "Miguel Alvarez also tested positive."

"What?"

"I know." Gloria waved her hand in the air. "And he won't say who the father is, so that's all a bit of a mystery."

"Well, I doubt that it's another Latino," Murphy commented. "He's still on the outs with all of them."

"Maybe it's Father Mukada," suggested Claire with a smirk, producing a few chuckles from around the table.

"Nah, I bet it's Pancamo," Tim said with grin, and the laughter increased.

Leo slapped his hand down on the table. "No, wait, I know who the father is! It's Ryan O'Reily!"

And, with that, everyone doubled over with laughter.

After a moment, Gloria wiped a tear away from her eye. "Yes, well, we still need to figure out how to handle all of this," she reminded them. "This is completely unchartered territory, medically speaking."

Leo settled down and shrugged his shoulders. "The answer's obvious, isn't it?" he asserted. "Surely, none of these pregnant men want to follow their predicament through to the eventual outcome. Medical miracle or not, these pregnancies should be terminated. Right?"

Gloria sighed. "I think that would be for the best, unfortunately," she reluctantly agreed. "I'll meet with the fathers and the, uh, other fathers and suggest that abortions are the logical course of action."

"Don’t worry," said Tim as he patted her on the shoulder. He confidently proclaimed, "I think there's little chance that you'll get much of an argument from any of them."

*~* later that day *~*

"NO. FUCKING. WAY!" bellowed Vern, while everyone else shook their heads at Gloria.

"I want to have Chris's baby," Toby stated emphatically. "I think it's a lovely way of saying how much I love him."

Chris grinned and gently placed his hand on Toby's abdomen. He looked into Toby's eyes and said, "And I love what it's doin' to ya. I can actually see your face glowin'."

Toby returned the smile and placed his own hand over Chris's.

Robson stuck a finger into his open mouth and made a gagging sound. "I think I'm gonna puke, and it ain't got nothin' to do with morning sickness," he said.

Vern glared Gloria. "Both of my other kids were fuck-ups," he snarled. "This is my last chance to get it right. Nobody's gonna deny me this opportunity."

"But it's not exactly your decision," Gloria reminded him.

"You bet your ass it’s my decision!" cried Vern. "Besides, Robson here is happy to feel that seed of mine growin' inside him."

"Eww," winced Toby.

"Really, Vern, do you have to be so crude?" Chris asked in disgust.

"Hey, it's okay, I wanna have this baby!" Robson declared. He poked himself in the chest with his finger. "I have this need inside me."

Jaz Hoyt snorted. "Yeah, a need to stop being Vern's prag," he muttered under his breath. He was off standing in a corner of the room, away from the others, but he was there. He looked Robson up and down and said, "Just because you're havin' his baby doesn't mean he's lettin' you back into the Brotherhood, ya know."

"Mind your own damn business, you tranny-lover," spat Robson.

Hoyt moved quickly in Robson's direction, and Gloria immediately stepped between them. Hoping to divert Hoyt's attention away from Robson's insults, Gloria promptly turned toward Fiona.

"What about you, Fiona?" Gloria asked. "How do you feel about your condition?"

"Oh, sugar, I've never felt more like a woman," Fiona stated dramatically. She slowly ran her hands over her figure. "I love what it's doing to me. I love what's going through me."

Hoyt's face suddenly lit up like the sun, and Gloria sighed for what seemed like the hundredth time that day. These conversations weren't going at all like she'd planned. She had thought everyone would eagerly agree with her recommendation, resulting in a swift end to this absurd situation.

Instead, everyone was talking as though they were part of a schmaltzy 1970s love song.

Gloria finally looked at the last expectant member of the group. "And you, Miguel? What do you have to say?"

Miguel looked at her sadly. "I’m not gonna just sweep this baby from my life," he said. "God already took one baby of mine. Maybe this is His way of tryin' to make up for it."

"Have you talked to the father yet?" Gloria asked gently.

Before Miguel had a chance to respond, the door to the room swung open, and in walked Ryan O'Reily.

"Ryan, what are you doing here?" Gloria admonished him. "This is a private meeting. Only expectant fathers are allowed."

Then Gloria caught Miguel staring at Ryan with hopeful eyes. She hesitated, then added uncertainly, "Unless, of course, that includes you."

"Yo! I ain't no fag!" protested Ryan.

"WE KNOW."

"I'm just here from the kitchen to see what special dietary recommendations you have for these guys," Ryan explained. Then he looked directly at Miguel. "I think it's important that these babies are well taken care of."

Miguel's countenance brightened significantly, and Gloria sighed once more, this time in defeat.

"Yes, that's probably a good idea," she agreed. "I'll put together a special diet plan and prescribe some pre-natal vitamins for each of the pregnant fathers."

Looking around at everyone's smiling faces, she shook her head and said, "It looks like this is really going to happen."

*~* seven months later *~*

Rebadow confidently moved his queen across the table. "Checkmate," he announced.

"Goddammit," muttered Chris. He knocked over the remaining chess pieces. "I can’t concentrate for shit."

"Nervous about the big day tomorrow?" Rebadow asked.

"More like exhausted," Chris explained. "It’s been weeks since I got a good night’s sleep, thanks to all of Beecher’s tossin’ and turnin’… not to mention the leg cramps, the snoring, and the constant gettin’ up to use the toilet."

"Imagine how he must feel," Rebadow gently chided him.

"Yeah, well, let’s just say I’ll be glad when tomorrow is here," retorted Chris. "At least Dr. Nathan scheduled his C-section for the morning. Everyone else has to wait until the afternoon."

As the two of them were talking, Tim McManus walked up, clearly flustered. Looking at Keller, he said, "You need to go check on Beecher. I think he’s gone crazy again."

Chris quickly pushed his chair back and got to his feet. "Whataya mean?"

"We converted that library into a nursery weeks ago," recounted Tim. "Everything is all set and ready to go. But now he’s in there sweeping the floor, rearranging the cribs, and stocking the diaper supplies like the babies’ lives depended on it. He really shouldn’t be doing all that in his condition."

"It’s the nesting instinct," Rebadow said.

"The what?" asked Tim.

"It’s a phenomenon where an expectant mother experiences an overwhelming urge to prepare a home in anticipation of her baby’s imminent arrival," he explained. "It can occur in humans just like it does in birds and other animals."

"I’ll go talk some sense into him," mumbled Chris, and he scurried off in the direction of the library.

Tim rubbed the back of his neck and looked at Rebadow. "This is insane, huh?" he said to the old man. "In all your years here, have you ever witnessed anything so bizarre?"

Rebadow raised an eyebrow. "Like God visiting me in my cell, you mean?"

Tim chuckled. "You’ve got a point. I suppose it’s a close call between the two."

Rebadow leaned over to pick a pawn up off the floor. "Nevertheless, I’m glad that Busmalis is post-menopausal," he said with a wink.

Nodding his head, Tim gazed longingly in the direction of the control station where Murphy was busy viewing the monitors. "And _I’m_ glad that the staff wasn’t recruited to participate in that ridiculous experiment," he said.

Rebadow looked at him in confusion. "Wait, what are you trying to say?" he asked. Tilting his head to the side, Rebadow added, "I was only joking about Busmalis, you know."

Looking slightly alarmed, Tim laughed nervously. "Of course! I'm joking, too! Obviously! Hahaha!"

Then Tim practically galloped away, and Rebadow smiled to himself as he reset the chess board.

*~* later that week *~*

Robson and Fiona sat in the new Em City nursery, rocking their newborn daughters to sleep, while Miguel slowly walked around the room, trying to burp his son. Toby stood in a corner, giving guidance to Chris as he changed their son's diaper.

Toby felt an amazing sense of peace and tranquility as Chris picked up their baby and tenderly placed him in Toby's arms. "I can't wait for Holly to meet him," he whispered to Chris. "She's always wanted a little brother."

Chris cocked his eyebrow. "What the fuck you talkin' about, Tobe?" he asked. "Doesn't she already have a little brother?"

Toby blinked and looked off into the distance. "Oh, yeah, sometimes I forget," he said absentmindedly. "It depends on what season this is."

Hoyt walked by them with a bouquet of fresh flowers in his hand. As he placed them in a vase next to Fiona, he asked them, "Have you decided on a name yet?"

Toby shook his head. "No, we're still trying to decide between Barry, Jerry, or Larry."

Vern suddenly appeared in the nursery's doorway with an _"It’s a Girl!"_ balloon in his hand. "Those names are okay," he admitted grudgingly. "But not as nice as the strong, Teutonic name I gave my beautiful Gertrude." He strode over to where Robson sat with their daughter and put the balloon down. He grinned as he simultaneously caressed both of their bald heads.

Then Gloria and Ryan slowly walked into the room together. Closing the door behind them, Gloria said, "I have a couple of announcements to make."

She held up a some paperwork. "At Ryan’s request, I did a blood test on Miguel’s baby." Gloria glanced over at Ryan and waited.

Ryan crossed his arms over his chest. "Look, I ain’t no fag," he declared.

"WE KNOW."

"But I’ve been thinkin’ how, at one point, after we first started takin’ those pills, Miguel might’ve used the same toilet as me after I, uh, ya know, got some fluid on it," Ryan explained to the group. "And I think some of that stuff may have, ya know, gotten in him. Somehow. Anyway…" his voice drifted off.

Gloria bit her lip to keep from laughing. "Anyway, Ryan is the father of Miguel’s baby," she finished for him.

Miguel’s grin stretched from ear to ear. He walked over to Ryan and carefully placed their son in his arms. Ryan breathed a sigh of relief as he realized that the world wasn’t crashing down upon him.

"Which leads me to my next announcement, one that directly affects all eight of you," Gloria said. She held up another another set of papers. "I have here a document that you all will want to read."

"Yeah? What is it?" Vern asked suspiciously.

"It’s a copy of the confidential settlement agreement that your lawyers reached with the Wygert Corporation," Gloria answered with a smile. "To the tune of $80 million."

*~* several days later *~*

"You want to do WHAT?" Leo said to Tim.

"It’s not just me!" Tim exclaimed. "The fathers are all in agreement with this! It’s the best way to use that money they got from Wygert! The Em City Daycare Center will be the best in the state! Maybe even the entire country!"

"I don’t know, Tim…"

"Leo, I swear, it’s worked well in other prisons!"

Leo furrowed his brow. "What the hell are you talking about, Tim? What other prisons operate daycare centers?"

Tim paused to catch his breath and calm down. After a moment, he replied, "I don’t know—I’m not sure why I said that." He scratched his head. "Automatic reflex, I guess."

"Look, Tim, I’m all for happy endings, but don’t you think this daycare idea is a little ridiculous?"

"This whole story is ridiculous, Leo! C’mon!"

"I would’ve thought the whole character redemption bit would’ve been enough."

Tim shook his head. "Nope. Not good enough. Everyone knows that a happy ending is way more important than character redemption."

Leo sighed. "Fine, Tim, whatever you want," he said with a wave of his hand. "If the idea was yours, I’m sure it’ll work out fine."

*~*~*~*~*

And so, a few months later, the Oswald State Correctional Facility opened the Emerald City Daycare Center. True to Tim McManus’s word, it evolved into an upscale facility that was considered to be one of the greatest daycares in the state, attracting clients from all around the area.

The eight fathers buried their various hatchets, and lived together in harmony in a special section of Em City adjacent to the daycare center. Even the fathers who were eventually paroled chose to remain at Oz, happy to be near their loved ones.

As the children aged, the daycare transitioned into a pre-school, and then a grade school. Eventually, a foundation was established for the creation of the Oswald Co-Educational Boarding School, an elite academic institution that attracted students from all over the northeast.

The four children who had made up the original Em City nursery became the school's core leaders*, and were nicknamed "The Fantastic Four." It was rumored that, upon graduation, they became part of a special police unit, using magical powers derived from their unusual genetic make-up to fight crime, but that was never proven to be true.

THE END

* A mini-scandal that threatened to erupt at the school when Gertie Schillinger and Barry Beecher-Keller were caught making out in an abandoned supply closet was quickly swept under the rug when their fathers gave their blessings to the relationship.

**Author's Note:**

> "Having My Baby," by Paul Anka
> 
> Having my baby,  
> What a lovely way of saying how much you love me,  
> Having my baby,  
> What a lovely way of saying what you're thinking of me
> 
> I can see it, your face is glowing,  
> I can see it, in your eyes I'm happy you know it
> 
> That you're having my baby,  
> You're the woman I love, and I love what it's doing to you,  
> Having my baby,  
> You're a woman in love and I love what's going through you,
> 
> The need inside you, I see it showing,  
> Oh the seed inside you,  
> Baby do you feel it growing,  
> Are you happy you know it,
> 
> That you're having my baby,  
> I'm a woman in love, and I love what it's doing to me,  
> Having my baby,  
> I'm a woman in love and I love what's going through me,
> 
> Didn't have to keep it, wouldn't put you through it,  
> You could've swept it from your life,  
> but you wouldn't do it, no you wouldn't do it
> 
> And you're having my baby,  
> I'm a woman in love, and I love what it's doing to me,  
> Having my baby,  
> I'm a woman in love, and I love what's going through me,
> 
> Having my baby (Having my baby)  
> What a lovely way of saying how much you love me,
> 
> Having my baby,  
> I'm a woman in love and I love what it's going through me,  
> Having my baby


End file.
